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c_soc13
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Name: D
Country: United States
State: Kentucky
Birthday: 2/14/1978
Gender: Female
Interests: Thinking, thinking, thinking.....did i mention thinking?
Expertise: Dwelling in the past, present, and future.
Occupation: Education/training
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/24/2002
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| imagine not screwing something up for once. if that's even possible. the thing is...i'm ok. better than i've been in a long time. but i've been reckless. and i dont handle that well. i also think i have this need to screw things up in order to make something chaotic happen in my life. then i have something ot occupy my minnd. as if i didnt have enough already. moving 3000 miles away sure gives you a lot to think about. like where things would have gone had i still been here this fall. what if i had gotten a job at northern? what if i could continue my friendships from a home base rather than via email from across the country? would things be that much more different? would i have felt the need to sleep with rachael and press the issue so much? i really fucked up this friendship. but does it really matter? i mean i'm leaving. and out of sight out of mind right? and as for the other one...the one who's name i refuse to say, what about her? if i stayed i would reek havoc. and once i leave i'll always wonder what if. it doesnt seem right. it doesnt add up, getting a friend base, a family and then leaving it all over again. why do i do that? why do i take off running. of course this time it's more about me than it is about my fears. more about my well being. and i know that because i wanted to leave so badly and now i dont. i want to stay where it's safe and stagnant and ultimately boring and unproductive. but i'm never safe. i always create drama. and drama here would send me straight into insanity and loneliness. | | |
| they all remain anonymous. in every journal entry i read i cant even tell who it's about because i never use names. it's like the use of a name makes it that much more real and that much more vulnerable. like tonight even. i know who i keep thinking about but the fact that i'm about to say her name is making me go into this panic mode. and it's ridiculous. not only is that ridiculous but so is the notion that anything could ever happen. for some reason i look at lesbian relationships the same way straight people do. i dont validate them. and maybe that's because i havent come across one lesbian relationship that i dont htink i could break up if i really wanted to. adn how sad is that? i mean i know this woman who's been with her lover for eleven years and all i can think about is how easy, time consuming, but easy it would be to break them up. and the saddest thing is that it isnt because i really truly want her. i mean it would never work out and i know that. but it's because i want to see if i can and i know i'm better for her. ironic isnt it? i would be better and worse. because i would end up breaking her heart in a matter of months. but that doesnt take away the fact that her partner treats her like shit and i know i could fix her. and therin lies my problem. i think i can fix everyone. in fact...i know i can fix everyone. i am that egotistical. that self-centered. that confidant in my virtues. i know i'm that great. and i know as a result i'm a bastard. there cant be great without some terrible sneaking in. and truthfully...i'm evil. the epitome of satan. i'm nice to people, i let them in, i get in, i listen, and i care, and i make them feel so incredible all to serve my own ego. i'm a bastard. plain and simple. maybe someday someone will straighten me out. | | |
| i know about goodbyes. i'm the little kid you see waving at the neighborhood as the moving van pulls out of the driveway. and i know about leaving and never looking back. i've trained that little girl to face forward and save herself from becoming a pillar of salt. and when it comes to the physical places in my life and the seemingly pointless interactions with fleeting people i am an expert at never glancing any direction but forward. but i look back on everything else. and i dwell in the pillar i have created for myself. was that the right thing to say, did i move too fast, should i have said something different, done something different, acted more agressively, taken a couple of steps back? the questions mount day in and day out corrupting my mind with endless possibilities that will forever remain in my head. i have a motion picture in my brain burning images on the backs of my eyelids that change with every interaction and every conversation and every new possibility. i have this amazing ability to turn the simplistic into the never ending trilogy, deena's tormented saga. personal torture i suppose. and lately i do what i want when i want and dont think twice about it. but that doesnt seem to be the answer either. i cant escape my thoughts. i cant escape my vice of dwelling and creating the things i want to happen somewhere in my warped state of mind where they mutate into a distorted reality. a half fairy tale half truth mirage of utter confusion. and i search too hard for something that isnt there. will never be there. | | |
| raechel
there is so much to say but really not a whole lot that hasnt been said all ready. i dont know where things are going to go. i have all these thoughts in my head and all these feelings that have been there for a long time and the only thing i keep thinking is thank god it happened now and not then. and jill keeps warning me not to get involved, not to get things started before i leave and i cant shrug the feeling that maybe something could happen between us, something more than curiosity, something more than two people sharing an intimate moment in bed, something more than attraction taking over. like some sort of destiny taking its turn in our lives. and i know you believe in god so i wonder if you think about all of this as much as me. cosmic destiny, divine intervention, god's all great and powerful plan. why did we meet? why did we fuck? what do we stand to learn? to lose? to gain? to fear? to hide? to regret? have i ruined something great or started something even better? i love you in some way, some way that doesnt make sense to me or to you or to anyone who i talk to about the situation. i have loved you. and i understand the reality of things. i get the fact you're straight, i understand you're curious. and i can even appreciate you being attracted to me in a way that scares you. and if i had to be the defining factor in you figuring out who you are then i feel priveleged. i just wish i knew. i wish i knew something, i wish i knew god. | | |
| i think you treat her badly. i htink you take her for granted. i think your anger overtakes you and encompasses you and keeps you from truly understanding what you have in front of you. i wish you could see what i see. but maybe you do. obviously you know more than i do being around for so long. but then again, things are seldom what they seem. and if you do see it, if you do get it, why do you act the way you act? i dont want her treated badly. i'm highly protective of her for some reason. i cant figure out why. when i talk to her, when i look at her, all i see is purity and when i see you two interact all i see is her being tainted. and it pisses me off. she's special, one of a kind, unlike anyone i've ever met before and if i were here for any length of time i would steal her directly from underneath your line of vision. and i would never take her for granted. not in a million years. but that's the difference between you and me. | | |
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